Are you too picky?
By Rachel Greenwald

Dear Rachel,

A big problem with being older is that you carry your score card with you on dates. I think at least, “Well, I know what I don’t want.” Over the years, I’ve developed this long list (and it’s growing longer!) of turn-offs and pet peeves, perhaps developed from ex-boyfriends, especially the last guy I dated. How do I get past these instant judgments I make on first dates about everything from table manners to grammar to annoying habits? I have been repeatedly told by my friends and family that the reason I’m not married is that I’m too picky. What’s a girl to do?
- Julie in Minneapolis

Dear Julie,

While you should have high standards for yourself at any age, there is definitely a big difference between being “too picky” and just plain “short-sighted.” You may already know what I’m going to say, because it’s probably what all your friends and family have been telling you: give men more time for you to discover who they are on the inside before writing them off too quickly based on mostly superficial judgments. Yes, that’s the advice I’m sure you’ve heard a million times, but I bet you just don’t know how to do it, right?

Since I’m all about bringing analytical thinking into the dating world, let me give you three concrete tips:

1. First, categorize which problems can be changed in the man and which ones can’t. The man has bad table manners? Easy to change! Most people just haven’t been taught which fork is used for the salad and where to put the soup spoon after eating the soup. You’ll teach him later (that doesn’t make him a bad or ignorant person). Bad breath, bad clothing, bad mustache: all these types of things can be changed under the influence of the right woman combined with a man motivated by love. The things you can’t ever change, and if those things really bother you, should be the deal-breakers: lying, selfishness, temper issues, etc. Decide if any major “can’t change” issues are on your grievance list. If not, you’re being too picky in the beginning and you should spend more time with him and see if chemistry develops.

2. Second, understand that what you might not like may actually be a good complement to your personality (and a great relationship dynamic). For example, maybe you think you don’t like laid-back guys, perhaps they seem boring to you, but you are so uptight and high-strung that an opposite demeanor is actually perfect for you. I’m a big believer in “opposites attract.” Remember, you probably won’t be happy marrying yourself. Try to understand whether what’s bugging you may actually be good for you, and if so, continue dating him and see how the dynamic evolves.

3. Third, when you experience an annoyance (an “oh no!” moment) during a first date, make a mental note to ask yourself later, “Why is that?” Perhaps you are reacting to something that has more to do with you than with him. For example, maybe your date shows up without a plan for the evening, and he asks, “What would you like to do? I haven’t made any reservations: I thought I’d let you decide.” You are immediately turned off because you ‘hate guys who don’t take charge.’ Later that night you think to yourself, “Why does it bug me when a guy doesn’t take charge?” Perhaps you realize that your father was indecisive, your mother made all the decisions, and when they divorced you blamed your father. Now you resent all men who don’t take charge. Whatever the reason, you may have an “aha” moment when you realize that your pet peeve is more psychological on your part (and you can work on that), rather than a fatal flaw on the part of the guy you’re dating.

This three-step “analysis” of pet peeves should go a long way toward helping you cut through your pickiness and focus only on the real deal-breakers.

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Rachel Greenwald, M.B.A., is the author of The New York Times Best Selling book Find a Husband After 35 Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School. She appeared on The Today Show and has been featured in Oprah Magazine, Fortune Magazine, and People Magazine. If you would like more tips on dating after 40 or would like to submit a question to Rachel, please visit her website at www.findahusbandafter35.com.